A friend of Barbara's and her deceased husband had called to stop by to visit her. His name was Harry and he is African American. Barbara knew that this might cause a commotion where she lived, as he'd be picking her up to take her out. So she let him know the kind of place she lived in. (She had not chosen the residence by the way, it was chosen for her, but that is another story!) Harry said that is something he is willing do deal with.
He picked her up. The attendant was clearly uncomfortable. (I was there visiting at the time.) He helped her into the car and off they went. They returned several hours later. I am also there as B. and I had other things to do that afternoon. Harry helped her out of the car and they gave each other a kiss goodbye.
The head of the residence was up in her office and noticed B. return as they have a back entrance that is wheelchair accessible.
Although she knows me and knows I was there she had come out of the elevator with a growl of an expression on her face and her posture was stiff as a board too. She looked to me and said, "I was upstairs and saw them out the window, and wanted to come down to make sure everything was all right."
Now I knew where she was at. I let it go because I also knew Barbara would figure it out and want to deal with it in her own way. B. is the one who is living there and in this woman's care it needs to be worked out between them. Once inside the woman followed us in the elevator and she asked B. "So that is your friend?"
And Barbara answered "He most certainly is." She then proceeded to go to the staff room and to share this interaction with the staff.
How do I know?
Well, I don't. I am drawing an assumption based upon the changes in attitude toward Barbara ever since that day. Before she went out to lunch with Harry the staff were exceptionally sweet and accomodating toward her. They had often told me how wonderful she is.
Since that day Barbara has begun to have a reputation for being "difficult". They told her daughter that she is "getting worse" when she is not and has no signs of dementia. They warned her that if she continues to give them "any problems" she will have to go.
Barbara has decided to withstand the storm. She has no choice but to do that. She is still very happy. None of this has phased her although you cannot help but be aware of the change and it is unpleasant.
Someone at her lunch table said to her, "Is he really your friend"?
To which B. answered, "He most certainly is." "Oh ..." the woman said, and turned away.
She has not spoken to Barbara since.
"I am okay with that" Barbara said to me and added, "She needn't ever speak to me again. That is all right."
Hello Kaolin , I have read a bit from your blog this morning ... I appreciate your effort towards assisting in the creation of a portal , or bridge ... for those in the 'white community' , who may be 'inspired' to open their minds and hearts ... The 'fact' is , in a relative sense , it is still , pretty darn gooooood , to be 'white' , in America ... Why in the world , would 'anyone' choose to give that up ??
ReplyDeletePart of the 'effort' that is going in to the presentation of 'educational' data , is needing to be very sensitive to its' varience from what has for so long , been the status quo , in our great land ; And perhaps , in order to garner the 'forces' that were needed , to effect societal solidarity , given the relatively short history of experience that European society has 'enjoyed' gainful civilization , what occurred , was the highest and 'best' that could be fashioned , at the time .
Be that , as it may , we are now living with the down-wind fall-out , in the West , of the African Holocaust and genocide ... and , in that , hind - sight is 20 - 20 , and in that , we may now , relatively easily , paper -trail our human civilizations societal progress , from our early African beginnings , 'we' may , as a collective human social group , move forward with perspective and intelligence .
Hi David -
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment.
You are so right when you say that "in a relative sense, it is still, 'pretty darn gooooood, to be 'white', in America."
And of course white people cannot give up being white but we can change the meaning of whiteness by
disassembling white privilege, and the entitlement that accompanies it.
Although this cannot be done with one swoop of our hands, as we are not wizards, it can be done one step at a time. Or perhaps, I should say, with lots of steps almost all the time.
But you asked, why would we do that? And here is my answer: Because it is uncomfortable living with racism and our privilege. Because we are not interested in manipulating or controlling others,since we already do know what that is like by the time we are twenty.
Most of us have been bought and sold to racism from day one and racism has defined us even though we are not racists.
Admittedly however it makes sense to be perplexed. To look at us and think that it might be so easy for us. (You have not said that but it has been said to us.)
People tend to believe that our quest can be numbed down to either this solution or that like a common equation.
If we are pivotal in the problem-solving of this matter at all, and I write under the assumption that we are - we must be more forthcoming about what we live through and how we live through it.
We have been challenged, beaten, locked in closets, thrown out of homes, fired from jobs, spat upon and even killed at the mere mention of our refusal to acquiesce to racist norms and privilege in this society.
And while the material benefits of racism weigh heavily upon us as a form of temptation to give in to when the going gets tough, lots of us don't give in to it at all. And yet we still benefit and we know it. It's a strange problem to deal with.
It is no wonder we may appear to be conflicted.Reconciling this problem is no easy task.
And yet, more white people are talking about it as they accept their identity struggles along the way; the clash of values, the reassesemnet of one's worth and others opinions of them as a consequence of their own desire for liberation, freedom and racial equality.
This is, afterall, a bizarre legacy we "all" inherit and a way of being in the world that we did not ask for.
Many of us equate racism with violence. Just as we do see it as a perversion of power systemically put in place over time; we are also aware of that fact that since that is the case it can be disassembled over time as well.
We cannot and will notdisassemble racism by using the same tactics and manipulations that have been used upon us. And we cannot have it both ways either: We cannot have and have not at the same time; we cannot hold on and let go at the same time, we cannot accept racism and reject it at the same time. It is one or the other. So we need to change and we need to accept a series of transformations we may undergo while in the process, while calling for change, while moving from what we are told we are supposed to be, to what we are and want to become.
Is it worth it?
Yes. Why?
Because we refuse to be defined by others.
Because we long for independence and believe we can attain it.
Because we want freedom.
Whether or not "the highest or the 'best' had been attainable by European Society long ago" I will never know.
I was born in July of 1951 and in all seriousness, since October of 1950 my plate has been full of myths, notions and bizarre opportuni-ties; of morally outrageous privileg-
ing and assumptions of my worth pitted against the equally as outrageous absurdity and assumptions about some one else's worth ever since I have been in utero.
If that was the "best that could be
fashioned at the time" that speaks volumes to me about why we are where we are about racism today.
Kaolin